Seven Dudes You’ll Meet Trying to Date in Rockford
There are people who say they like dating... those people are lying.
Dating. It's taxing. But in order to, you know, get married, have a family, you generally have to start with dating.
If anyone knows a way to skip the dating part, please share with the class.
This is a story about a girl named Tired and the seven dwarfs she's tried to date in the last year.
We'd give them real names, but does it matter? You know you've dated these seven guys too and whether their names are Nick, Kevin or Joe, they're still all the same.
Please enjoy that Jonas Brothers reference... 'Happiness Begins' comes out June 7, maybe by then someone will share how you can skip dating and go right to happily ever after.
While we wait, here are the seven dwarfs of dating Tired met this year, which one did you date the longest?
- Waffly - Waffly probably has a large appetite, but his name isn't waffly because he can down a giant stack of carbs. It's instead because he waffles on everything. You could spend three days with him and still not know if you're actually dating because he goes from hot to cold so quickly. Don't feel too bad though, he can't make a decision on anything he has to spend time or money on. He loves hanging out with you, but not enough to make future plans. Maybe when you're 40.
- Macho - Macho makes you feel like a million dollars with every compliment you can think of.... about how pretty you are, but not about your brain. He's a dude-man and will make sure everyone knows it. He wants to take care of you, but he probably doesn't think you can take care of yourself. He's pretty sexist and well, an 'ist' of all kinds. You might say, an elitist and he's willing to spend money on everything to let you know how great he is, oh yeah and he drives a sports car.
- Snappy - Snappy is a Millennial who wants to communicate only through Snapchat. He wants to be able to see when you open his message, but you're pretty sure he's sending those same messages to five other girls. Snappy seems super interested but then he's silent for a while, seemingly dating one of the other Snapchat girls, then all of the sudden there's that red number next to your Snap ghost, and you have to open it, because, that's how he gets you. You probably never meet him, but you also never delete his Snapcode.
- Cocky - Cocky is a charmer and you can't believe you met him. You think you lucked out, that the world is apologizing for the rest of the dwarfs you've dealt with in the last year, then you realize he thinks pretty highly of himself too. So highly that he needs to just have 'me time,' to figure himself out... but that doesn't stop him from sending you pictures of his abs and insanely mixed signals. He's into you but not 'ready to pursue anything.' He's busy traveling the world and pretending you'll hang out when he gets back.
- Snoozy - Snoozy is a good guy. He's very polite, asks you a ton of questions, but then disappears, like he falls asleep for a week or something, then comes back out of nowhere and continues your conversation like nothing happened. Does he live in an alternate universe with no concept of time? Does he know normal people answer a text the day it's sent? You'll go out with him because he's nice, but in true snoozy fashion, you won't hear from him for a while, but you won't really mind because how worked up can you be about someone named Snoozy?
- Thirsty - Thirsty, is well, thirsty. He's into you. Hard core. Which is ok, for like five minutes. But then you're legit busy, or you're legit sick and dude won't give you a day to recover without asking when you can hang out. Maybe you've been burned too much by the previous dwarfs to handle this thirst or maybe you're just used to being the thirsty one, but this just isn't gonna work.
- Lazy - Lazy, is well lazy. But let me tell you why. You meet Lazy on a dating app. You talk back and forth. You stop. You run into him again on an app. He reminds you you've matched before. You talk. He goes away. One more time this happens, and he randomly messages you weeks later and says, 'so this fizzled out then?' What? Dude. You are SO LAZY. Yes, this fizzled out.
Anyone see a pattern? Our dating world is a mess. Despite the things our heroine, Tired, probably did wrong, all of these dudes went away and came back and went away and came back because our awful dating landscape allows that.
Maybe Tired should've just stuck with Thirsty, since he didn't seem to be going anywhere, but as we mentioned... she's pretty Tired from all of this.
So unless you want to send her some non dwarfs to date, she needs a break.