Iowa Newspaper Embarrasses Entire Midwest With Ranch Rankings

***FOR MIDWESTERN EYES ONLY***

Hey guys. I love being from the midwest. We're nice. I think, as a whole, we're pretty reasonable. We don't have an accent. It's pretty cool.

Can we talk about the whole ranch thing?

I get it. It's pleasant. Comfortable. Easy even. I love it.

Here's the secret though. Everyone likes ranch. I mean literally everyone. Coast to coast, border to border. Ranch is everywhere and no one ever complains.

You know how we make fun of Utah for liking Jell-O? The rest of the world says the same thing about the midwest and ranch. Let's take a quick look at the internet:

That took me 45 seconds to find. I don't like being the butt of these jokes, especially when they're not even funny.

It's fine to like ranch, just maybe don't lean into it so much like these people:

Just mix it up once in a while. Sriracha is nice. Have you guys heard about peanut sauce? That stuff is good.

Let's try to get known for another food. How about corn? I mean Iowa already is so that's convenient, asking them to change their eating habits is Trouble with a capital T. Sure it's not the best vegetable out there and might be the root cause of the nation's obesity epidemic, but at least it's a vegetable.

If you're having trouble giving up the ranch watch this quick inspiring scene from the classic 80s film Mr. Mom.

If Kenny can give up his Woobie you can do anything.

***Midwestern meeting adjourned***